I’m Not Me if I Can’t….

If I can’t create, I’m not me. I learned this truth about a year ago, when it became increasingly apparent to me that life behind a computer is arduous, while one in front of dreamy racks of clothes to be styled is heavenly.

If we aren’t doing the greatest things we were created to do, we’ll never be fulfilled. I have MS. I never write about this or talk about it on social media. It’s not because I’m trying to be secretive. It’s because of a lot of other reasons:  1. Up until today, it was never relevant to anything I was talking to you ladies about.  2. It’s not who I was ever created to be, and I can so clearly see what my life is suppose to be without this horrible disease, that I prefer not focusing on the fact that I have it.  3. People say really stupid things to you when they know you are sick, such as, “have you considered talking to a doctor about no longer thinking you are sick.” (I will need to write an entirely separate article about what it was like to have to sit through hearing someone say that to me. Spoiler alert: I don’t think I’m sick. I’ve been debilitatingly sick too many times to count in the past five years, and I’ve endured painful brain scans and a spinal tap to scientifically prove it).

But, today’s the day to share that I have MS, because it’s central to the topic of this article.

I can’t sew. I don’t have the physical ability to sit at a sewing machine and apply the necessary motor skills to create the beautiful ball gowns I see in my mind. I learned to sew in 2011. It was essentially moments before I went into consecutive MS relapses. It’s been 5 years of having a strong desire on my heart to physically create something with my own hands that I literally cannot.

I struggle to take photographs. I see pictures I want to capture through my camera lens. I stand before the image, holding my camera up, arms shaking, eyes crossing, trying to focus the camera when my eyes can’t even focus themselves. The image is on my heart. 9 times out of 10, my body won’t physically let me capture it with my hands.

I’m also not me if I can’t workout. Right now, I can’t run. I walk on the treadmill, slowly bopping to Ella Henderson’s “Ghost,” with tears streaming down my face, as I plead with God, “please……let. me. run.” It’s those moments when I’m trying to workout, and I’m taking in the expansive view of my city through the floor-to-ceiling windows of the 19th floor, that I see so clearly what my life is suppose to be, but is totally NOT.

The more days that go by where I can’t do these things, the harder it is to see any good in the world. I refuse to lie to myself. I see so many people lie to themselves to make themselves feel better. I hate hearing, “It wasn’t meant to be.” Was it really not meant to be, or did something go wrong and it messed up your life? Did someone or something get in the way of you getting to be who you were created to be?

I was created to be a seamstress, a photographer, an athlete…I know this about myself, and I refuse to ignore it. I refuse to say, “It wasn’t meant to be.”  Why would I have such a strong passion on my heart for those things? Why would I get so much unmatched joy while doing those things, if it wasn’t “meant to be” ?????!

Here’s the conclusion:

1. We must know what things in life make us feel complete joy when we do them.

2. We must do at least one of those things every single day. 

3. If we can’t do them, we must ask ourselves why we can’t. If we don’t know the answer, we must ask God. He knows things we don’t. Be bold. I use to think you were suppose to accept everything and be blind. Then one day I heard Giuliana Rancic say that she asked God why she couldn’t have a baby. At first, I was shocked and worried about her boldness. But then God said to me, “She’s right. I love you. You believe that I do. Why in the world would I want you to be blind and confused for the rest of your life? If there was someone in your life who was sad and confused and they did NOT know why, but you knew why, wouldn’t you want to tell them? That’s how I feel about you. I WANT to tell you. Please listen.”

4. Once we know what’s holding us back, it’s time to immediately attack whatever that is and change it ASAP.

BE BOLD, SISTERS. I’ll keep you updated on my social media (@AndreaGraye  on Twitter) about how I’m doing with my fight. I’d LOVE to hear how you’re doing!

Heavenly items featured in photo: Prada Coat, Hoss Intropia Silk Dress, Vince Wedges.